WHERE LOVE SHOULD GO

Lea and Jick did not see each other for a couple of weeks. Jick, before going to his provincial sorties, advised her that his cellular phone could only accept text but would not be capable of sending back messages --- for how long, he wasn’t sure. Then, on a Saturday, very early in the morning, she received a text message from a number that did not register in her directory. She did not reply but saved the message. It was two days later when it dawned on her that it could probably be Jick’s. Lea had this peculiar habit of deleting his number from her phone list. That way, she would not miss him.

She retrieved the message from her phone’s outbox and replied. I hope the number is right. Text back if it is you. She received no answer.

She forwarded him with a second message --- Where would you choose that love should go? Into the heart? Into memory? Into life, or into oblivion? Still there was no answer. Maybe last Saturday’s message was not intended for me. I’m sorry.

Who are you texting with? I am Gechiyuan. Now, she knew the number was Jick’s. The answer was in his characteristic way. She saved the number now in her directory.

She had not finished completing another text when she was alerted by an incoming message. What I know is that love stays; it does not go anywhere else.


L’amour devrait aller a l oublie, Love should go to oblivion. For a while, she meant these thoughts, and though she was not quite sure of her translation, she answered in French, just for the heck of it. Jick would not understand, anyway. Am glad you’re still alive… maybe enjoying life wherever you are, she added.

Cogito ergo sum, he replied. She would remember these lines. I think, therefore, I am.

For several minutes there was no reply from her, so he texted her again with an intentional sarcasm. Are you enjoying your life? Are you alive again? Or maybe, the question should be: are you alive now? He remembered the weeks she was out of touch. He had no idea whether she kept her silence on intent or not. The message he sent her that Saturday was meant to open their line of communication but she did not respond. She probably did not miss him while he was away.

He repeated his question: Are you alive now?

Lea was irked with the sarcastic undertone. Away or within seeing distance, you want to pester me. You are sounding like a risk again.

So, I was a risk to you, how easily he got offended by what she said.

I think, ergo you are. Jous etes un risque! She texted him back.

Well, by hindsight, I can say that I was risky. All along, I thought you were serious. Jick was referring to their 5-month old relationship. He admitted to himself, with Lea, he seemed to be walking on a thin continuum of balance; he did not know where he really stood with her. She said she loved him but much was to be desired. She was not showy of her affection. There were shrouds of mystery about her person. When they were together, she did not say much about her personal life. Their conversation focused mostly on philosophical issues. But he observed -- Lea was too independent to be swayed, and this was not to his liking. She had this stubborn streak that was annoying. Jick had always preferred a subservient woman.

Fundamentalist, that’s what you are! Maybe the description was not apt at that instance, but that was what he thought of her.

Am serious in what I feel, you are not, She seemed to be insinuating something by this double talk and Jick was a bit irritated.

Ambiguous!

What was ambiguous? she asked him but he did not answer anymore.

Two hours later, Lea sent Jick a text message. By knowing love, a person only grows and that is where lovers should go --- back to love. A complicated character, this woman, Jick mumbled to himself.

It was 7:30 in the evening when Jick received another message from Lea that startled him. Hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Was Lea double talking again? It piqued him. What are you saying?

A few minutes later, Lea rung his cellphone.

You can keep to your truths and lies but spare me from the game you are playing. You are making me angry. I was almost hit by a car while crossing the street, do you know that? If something bad happens to me, the curse will be upon you.

He was puzzled with what’s going on her mind. It is not good to curse. It could go back to you.

What did I do to you to deserve all these? She was fuming mad.

What are you saying, Lea?

Why can you not accept the fact that you still love her? Didn’t you tell her how lonely you were when she was gone? I read your text message to her.

Who are you talking about? What you are saying make no sense at all!

Deny and deny until you die! That was the last straw. He got furious and told her. You are having a cognitive dysfunction …out of reason! You piqued me! You are making mountains out of molehills.

Marie told me everything, if that’s what you need to know. She told me you two are into a relationship. Why, Jick? Why did you fool me? Lea was almost on the verge of tears but she controlled herself.

What? And you believed her? I can call her to explain; at this moment we are in touch. If she is lying or you are, I can’t stand a liar! I can’t stand you now.

Call her and she will know about us. Everybody will know about the two of you, do you want it, Jick? While it was a real threat, Lea had no intention of doing it.

Let’s talk this over on Friday, Lea. Jick made a promise to calm her. He knew the situation that moment was too explosive; it would be a no-win situation for both of them.

The unpleasant encounter with Lea that morning irked Jick no end. He was already on his way back to Manila from his southern sojourn when Lea called him up. The trip via land was tiring and boring and the spats he had with Lea was making his travel almost unbearable. He estimated he would reach Manila by 11:00 in the evening. He defused his tension by communicating with Marie, so they exchanged messages throughout his long trip back home. He enjoyed Marie’s company, anyway. They were close even before Lea came into his life. Jick thought that was also an opportune time to patch up some petty misunderstanding and bond with Marie again since they were not on a speaking term for quite sometime.

Unknown to him, that particular afternoon, Marie requested Lea to accompany her after office hours. The two shared some tete-a-tete in a nearby cafeteria, which extended for an hour or two. It was there that Marie divulged, she and Jick had been exchanging text messages since that afternoon, burning the lines, so to speak. Lea was hurt by this revelation but kept quiet. She however, subtly squeezed out bits of information from Marie. When Marie showed her the text messages of Jick saying how he missed her; how lonely he was when she was gone from his life; and how he longed to be with her, Lea’s anger built up. But her anger was a secondary feeling only. She felt betrayed.

She was not able to contain her anger so she contacted Jick right after she and Marie parted that evening. And for the first time, they had a bitter quarrel.

Lea waited on a Friday for Jick’s call or message. When it was obvious he would not be calling, she sent him a message. If you are already in Manila now, can we meet? Set the time. Don’t worry, it would not be confrontational, if that’s what you are afraid of.

What!!! He got her message and was irritated again. He was starting to get uneasy though. The beans could be spilled anytime. If he was bothered by Lea’s stubborn streak, this was because she had this dogged determination to pursue things that appeared puzzling or vague to her --- she would not settle for a simple yes or a no answer once she hinted that something was wrong somewhere. She often said: How can I know what isn’t so? We cannot just use our perception, see patterns where there are none and believe in the things that are not true because of these perceived patterns. Either, you prove to me that you are right or prove to me that I am wrong.

She would never stop at something until she was satisfied with the results. He saw this character emerged even during simple arguments with her.

Lea called Jick’s number several times but was surprised that she could not get through his line. He had barred her calls from his cellular phone. This infuriated her. She used the text facility of the cellular phone to get her messages across. He might not respond but at least, he could read her message.

Your silence would mean you don’t want to talk anymore to clear up things with me. If that’s your prerogative, then you will allow me to use my options too. I am clearing this with you.

It’s up to you, Lea. I’m already exasperated with you.

Some harsh words from him, that felt like a stab in Lea’s chest. Jick despite his well-mannered countenance, could spit fire with his words.

I hope that you will not be using people as beards or crouches to go through life. I told you before, don’t ever play with somebody’s emotion. If I am hurt or angry, it is because I feel trapped in a situation I should have not entered into, in the first place. You should have understood this. But don’t worry, your secret will be safe with me.

Lea never told Jick, that in the course of their five-month period relationship, she entered into Marie’s confidence and shared secrets -- women’s secrets,
that’s it. Thrown casually into each other’s company, in increasing frequency (both were MRT regular passengers), the two developed some sort of camaraderie. They worked in the same office, but they were not close before. Lea had her own set of friends, within and outside the office. Jick, before becoming Lea’s boyfriend, and his best friend Miro, Marie’s closest friend, belonged to Lea’s circle of acquaintances.

It was during Lea and Marie’s frequent association with each other that Marie began to spill little secrets --- maybe because she trusted Lea; or maybe because at that time, a burden was getting heavy for her to carry alone and she needed someone --- a woman friend she could relate with. Her initial confessions were innocent sharing of episodes about life’s joys and pains. Joy was something that was easy to share with, with everybody, even with a male friend. But she could be alone in her pain during times of alienation from someone. Lea noticed signs of stress in her and behavior that seemed odd. She perfectly understood, it was difficult for someone to keep everything to herself, though at times she wondered what was causing her stress. She never talked about marital problems, if she was having one. To Marie, the compassionate Lea, provided a source of strength. It was on these occasions that specks of truth about Jick started to unravel.

On that particular evening that Lea accompanied Marie, Marie made a confession to her. She said Jick was his boyfriend of one year and that they had to keep the relationship a secret because of her status in life. For a couple of months now, they had a misunderstanding caused by her jealousy and immaturity, but she added, Jick did not want to put a closure to their affair. How Marie told her story, left no doubt in Lea’s mind that the two had already shared physical intimacies that continued up to the point Lea and Jick had already committed to a mutual understanding. She also discovered from her, that Jick was not actually fond of her, she said, he disliked her. He concocted stories to portray her as a person in need of pastoral counseling.

When this truth surfaced, the signs Lea ignored before - subtle revelations of a relationship deeper than friendship, started to flash on her memory. Lea never tried to put malice every time Jick and Marie quarreled although these clashes looked more like lover’s quarrels. She remembered how Marie would throw tantrums or just sulked in her corner, this odd behavior coinciding with the times she would catch Lea and Jick going out for lunch together. She noticed the increasing frequency in which Marie stayed late after office hours, to wait for Miro who was Jick’s constant companion. She observed that Jick’s locker was always full of his favorite goodies. Not a thoughtful girlfriend, Lea seldom brought things for him. But the most telling sign perhaps, which she completely overlooked then, was the coincidental disappearance of the two once a week, and always on a Wednesday. She once confronted Jick about her observations, but he just shrugged his shoulder. He said she was using her perception more than what was necessary
and she was not looking at the whole picture but rather, at a portion only thus, her perception of the truth became blurred or too limited to what was obvious at the moment. That was no big deal for him.

She had to believe him. Anyway, they both agreed to be discreet first about their relationship to avoid being teased by their coworkers. That suited her fine because she was not the type who would flaunt a relationship. Besides,
she did not want to hurt Jick’s friendship with Marie; he seemed to value his friendship with her.

Why did I not read the signs before? Lea entered this relationship with no hint that Marie and Jick had an affair going on. She might have harbored an inkling about the real nature of their friendship but Lea, used to maintaining friendships on a platonic level, banished her doubts away to convince herself that the two were just good friends. Plunging into a relationship other than friendship could be a touch and go situation for both because Marie was married. Lea found out, Wednesdays, were days when Marie’s husband was out of town.

Lea began to see the unknown area of Jick’s personality. He successfully established and maintained a reputation, a nice guy image, an uninterested male specie who did not flirt with the opposite sex. He was a guy any woman would give her trust to without second thoughts. It was all a camouflage. If he had harnessed a special skill, that was diverting attention from his real motives. The guy was clothed with emotional dishonesty. He might even be a pervert, who knows? Everybody seems normal until one uncovers the blind spots.

But maybe, he really loved Marie, the volatile but thoughtful Marie. He protected her, shielded her from getting hurt or being scandalized. Or, maybe he did not love her. Maybe he loved me. But how could he profess love for someone while cheating on her? He courted me in defiance of Marie. He used me! Poor Lea, you were taken for a ride!

The realization swirled through Lea’s head, building a rage that almost consumed her whole being. Deception was something she could and would never take.

Jick, you are having your cake and eating it too. Damn you! She felt a desire to wriggle his neck or slap his face if he was right there beside her. You two-timing guy! Your place is in hell. You don’t deserve your name!

Lea saw no chance for them to sit down after all the things were said and done. Whatever little respect left was drown in her hatred for the man who deceived her. On his part, Jick kept his silence. He never attempted to patch up things with her after their quarrel, all the more confirming what Lea accused him of.

Still smarting from the hurt, Lea wrote Jick a parting message: Silence does not mean fear or surrender. You know you wronged someone gravely but you are too proud to admit your mistake. I have an option to do good or to do harm. Whichever way I choose, I will not fear the consequences because fear is NEVER in my system. You entered a realm where you were given a chance to prove yourself right or prove myself wrong; you opted not to. That’s your choice, but I tell you, it is at your own risk now. Time might become worthless like your being. The rubber will finally hit the road.

Lea was reminded of LaBelle, a virtual friend she admired for her wisdom. Love needs no explanation for it is complete in itself. No one is lessened by love but only enriched by it. By having love, the heart is filled and never empty. Each time the pain is real, the empty place aches but in some peculiar, inexplicable trade off, love will help you become more of a woman.

Je vous deteste, I hate you, Jick. Sorry LaBelle, Lea muttered to herself, The pain is very real. Maybe, for the heart to find closure, the knots have to be untied, one by one. But for now, he will find no rest. Not yet, LaBelle.

Jick was awakened from a dream, perspiring. He thought it was for real. In that dream, he saw the lithe figure of a woman in flaming red, dancing inside a circle, as black candles burned in the background. As she completed the last intricate step of her dance, he heard a chanting that culminated into a rumbling, he had to cover his ears. A black smoke slowly formed into a ball of fire, swirling to rise destructively with the woman whose eyes now spit up with fire. As the imagery encircled a coffin where a man was lain, he cast a glance long enough to catch the face of the man lying inside. He looked like him.